Dear Ms. Palin:

Dear Ms. Palin: I know that people are today making fun of you in the media and on the blogs because of your Nashville appearance at the Tea Bag Pay As You Go Event. They're complaining about your irritating voice, your inability to complete a sentence, your having no plan and your writing on your hand. They say you are speaking "word salad." That's sad, but that's how it is in America. People have the right to make fun of their politicians, and they should. And, lest you forget, you're a politician. Or maybe now you're not a politician any more and you're an entertainer. Or something. Anyway, those folks cherish their "right" to make fun of you.

Regardless, I have a small proposal for you to consider. I realize that it's unorthodox to print it here and publish it on the Internet, but after all it is 2010 so I beg your indulgence. How else can I get your attention?

The proposal: How about you pay me $50,000 before your next "speech" and I will write it for you. I am an excellent writer. I know grammar and sentence structure. I know how to construct a paragraph. I had an elite, liberal education, and I have a graduate degree, and I've written books, but I won't tell anyone that. I know how to write. And I'll keep it simple so your audience will follow it perfectly.

I assure you the speech I write for you will be (1) far more whacked out than the one you gave in Nashville, (2) far more clever (you might be tempted to say "cleverer"), and (3) your supporters, all those superannuated, semi and fully retired, more or less rich, white folks, will really love it. They will have something that is akin to an orgasm when you deliver my speech. Only it won't be an actual orgasm, they'll just smile and hyperventilate and cheer a lot. And want to smoke afterward.

You know how to reach me.

Love, davidseth

PS. I can see Uranus from here.