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martes, julio 10, 2012

Willard: Don't Stop At Sesame Street

Evidently, Willard, the Bain Capital Republican Candidate for the Sankaty High Yield Presidency of the Citibank United States of America, wants to put commercials on Sesame Street to help balance the budget:

There are programs that I like, like PBS—I mean, my grandkids watch PBS, they like to watch Sesame Street. You know, I just don't think we can afford to borrow money from China to pay for things we absolutely don't have to do. So in the case of PBS, I'd tell them to get advertisers or more contributors, but the government is not going to pick up the bill by borrowing money.

But Willard, why stop there? Why not go all the way?

In his seminal novel Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace notes that the years have been "subsidized", so they all have rather than numbers the names of their sponsors. So there is the Year of Glad, the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment. The Year of the Whopper. Etc.. So, Willard, you could sell time and naming rights to years.

And then there are the stadiums. What was once the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans is now The Mercedes Benz Superdome. There's Citifield, and Citizens Bank Park, and etc. So, Willard, you could sell naming rights to buildings. We could have "The KFC Department of Agriculture Building." What a nice ring that has. And we could have the "Remington Firearms FBI Building." Etc. We could even have "The Bain Capital White House."

And don't stop there. You could sell naming rights to Cabinet Positions. You know, "The Clean Coal Secretary of Energy". The "BP Petroleum Secretary of the Interior". The "Hooked On Phonics Secretary of Education." But don't stop there.

You could also sell the name of the country itself. So it could be "The Citibank United States of America," and it could say that on its little plaque at the table at the Security Counsel that says that. Wouldn't that be valuable? But don't stop there. No.

You could sell commercials when you address the nation. They have television time outs in football games, they can have them in the All State State of the Union Address. And in your CNN Presidential Statements from the Oreos and Milk Oval Office. And you could have commercials on C-Span. In fact, in the Senate and the House the presiding officers could call for a timeout so the commercials could be shown to the legislators.

Personally, if you win, I'll look forward to the Fox News Press Secretary's discussions with the press. I know you'll have a really nice shield designed for his/her podium that emphasizes that this is, after all, the Citibank United States of America and that you, sir, are its Sankaty High Yield President. And everything's for sale.