On Shooting Self In Thigh: My Country 'Tis Of Thee

Plexico Burress, Shakespearean Tragic Hero

OMFG. New York Football Giants star receiver Plexico Burress last night shot himself in the thigh with a handgun. Will he play again this year? Who knows? He was released from the hospital today. There are other questions though. Like: WTF is he doing with a loaded pistol in a night club during the season? And htf did he shoot himself in the thigh? Isn't that like totally embarrassing? And is this the stupidest economic "accident" we've seen this year, a year of gigantic, incredibly stupid economic "accidents?"

So those of us in the "life as figure of speech" department were thinking about Plexico Burress this afternoon. And we were thinking hard.

The big question for us is whether he's a metaphor for the United States's economy? Or the war effort in Iraq? Or the Bush Administration? Or the War on Terror^TM? Or something else that's a gigantic f*ck up?

What kind of figure of speech is he anyway? Is this an example of synecdoche? Is this an example of metonymy? Is it metaphor? WTF is this anyway? And, more important, what does it mean, if anything, to us?

I know that you, dear readers, are incredibly busy and perplexed by other, vital questions, but seriously now, have you ever heard of anything as ridiculous as this?

Then again, oops. I guess so. How about Michael Vick?

Oh, goddess supreme, preserve us in safety from the end of this Empire.