Guacamole: The BEST Recipe

Yeah, this ain’t no food blog.  Your Bloguero does not do recipes. Or restaurant or grocery store reviews. But your Bloguero knows his way around the kitchen. And he has experimented with guacamole for decades.  And he now believes it is time to share the BEST recipe for guacamole.

But, of course, there’s a problem. There always is when your Bloguero is involved. You know that. And the problem here is that your Bloguero does not measure.  Ever. He does not use measuring spoons.  He does not use scales.  No.  He uses his eyes. And he tastes as he goes. So the recipe, though perfect in every pertinent respect, is not going to satisfy those of you (Note: are you engineers listening? Are you people with OCD paying attention (Footnote to the note: as if I had to ask the OCD people.)) who want precision.  But look. This is not like trying to shoot a rocket into orbit where measurements count and after launch there’s not much you can do to fix things.  No. This is something you can adjust to your own tastes as you go (Note: your Bloguero assumes that you have good taste, like authentic flavors, and will not commit travesties (read: food crimes) like, e.g., substituting cottage cheese for home made ricotta (Footnote to the note: there is nothing dairy in this recipe. Let’s keep it that way if you please. Your Bloguero means this.)).

The preface to this recipe having now exhausted the reader and your Bloguero, one last note.  This is scaleable.  This is the basic element.  If you are making guacamole for 10 people, you multiply this recipe by 10, and then you invite your Bloguero to sample your handiwork.  (Unnecessary note: this guacamole goes great with Mexican beer, your Bloguero still things Pacifico deserves your attention).

At last and without further bloviation, the recipe:

Assemble these things in a bowl:

1 ripe avocado (ripe means softish, not hard, but it also means no dark or brownish avocado gets into the bowl).  Remove skin, remove pit, cut it up so you can mash it.

1 hunk of red onion (depending on the size of the red onion, you want enough to provide flavor, but not enough to overpower.  With a medium sized (about 3 inch diameter) red onion you want about ¼ of the onion NOT MORE.  You want to dice this into very small pieces and add to the bowl.

½ of a jalapeno pepper.  If the pepper is about 2 inches long, you want half. You can use other kinds of peppers if you insist, but I find that jalapeno works nicely and that habanero is a little too hot.  If you want it hotter, use more jalapeno.  Do not make the quantum shift to halapeno or cayenne.  Remove all the seeds (your Bloguero means this sincerely). Then dice this beautiful pepper very finely and add to the bowl.

1 handful of cilantro. Fresh cilantro.  A handful is a small pile that will sit nicely in the palm of your hand (your Bloguero know, people have different sized hands) made up of about 6 nice sprigs (get rid of the twigs) of cilantro.  (Note: your Bloguero hesitates to use the word “twigs” because of that word’s association with other herbs). Chop up the cilantro very, very finely and add to the bowl.

Tomatillo. If the tomatillo is small, peal its husk and dice it.  If it is big (more than 1 inch in diameter) use only 1/2 of it.  Dice the tomatillo finely and put in the bowl. (Note: the tomatillo is the item that makes this recipe unusual and makes it great).

The juice of ½ a small lime (a small lime is the size of a golf ball).  If you have a lime juicer, use it. You don’t want to overpower everything with lime, but you want there to be lime.  When in doubt with this, use less, you can always add more later.

Salt. Your Bloguero is fond of salt. A small scoop will do.  If you have doubts, hold back and adjust later on.

Now you have a choice.  You can us the authentic method and mash up all of the ingredients in the bowl with a masher.  Or you can throw it in a Cuisinart and process it until it is smooth.  The recipe, your Bloguero asserts, tastes better hand mashed, but he sometimes uses the machine because he is slothful and frequently in a hurry.  Whichever you choose, get the mixture to be quite smooth.

Once you have made the above, you have to add the final touch, tomato, as follows:

1 nice, fresh, red sauce tomato (Roma is nice, so are whatever other kind of sauce tomatoes grow where you are).  Your Bloguero does NOT recommend using your heirloom tomatoes from the garden or regular, fresh garden tomatoes.  Why? Because they are far too watery.  Chop up the tomato and add it to the mixture.  (Note: you can add chunks of tomato to the Cuisinart but you have to be careful not to overdo it. If you process this too much it will change the color of your guacamole in a bad, bad way.  So just barely use the Cuisinart to mix these chunks in.)  If you are doing it by hand, dice the tomato finely (if you like bigger chunks, leave them big) and mix it in.  Do not mash it.

You now have the world’s best guacamole.  Taste is and make adjustments. Does it need more salt? More lime? Make whatever adjustments seem right to you. Scoop it out and serve it.  Worried about it turning brown? Put the seed from the avocado in it.  Unless they are highly intoxicated, your guests will not eat it.  If they are highly intoxicated (and you are not), remove the seed when it appears in the bowl.

Caveat: make this recipe when you are ready to eat it. Do not try to save it. Do not try to prepare it in advance. If it sits too long, it will discolor and turn brown.  This is something made to be eaten immediately and not stored.

Second Caveat: Totopos (read: chips) are very important. Don’t you dare eat this recipe on the supermarket sold corn chips that begin with D.  Give yourself a treat: get some organic, natural food store chips.  Even blue ones.  Or get some packaged totopos at the Mexican Grocery. Or deep fry your own old tortillas. Look: you wouldn’t put caviar on Wonderbread.  Don’t you dare to put this guacamole on supermarket chips. Ever.